losing myself: better to stay this way
king terry the terrible it's good to be king
02:53
yeah I'm awake... I really couldn't sleep. I woke up with my heart pounding and I drank my whole water bottle. I guess yeah I didn't drink much water today. sigh...
It's so hard. life is on hard mode.
it sucks because I don't even know what my body really needs half the time. a month ago I was in the pits, just feeling depressed. then I started therapy and the ****** symptoms started coming out, the ******* and **** *******.. and now that I've started to work towards the ******, I thought things started to calm down a bit, but then I stopped ********** for some reason. I think that's when I just feel really anxious now.
that week I felt fine, I was watching funny reels, and playing on my new steam deck. but I guess I gotta remember that I stopped meditating because it felt useless to me. that no matter what I do, I'm gonna be stuck like this. I'm right in a way. but I have to remember that doing that one simple thing every day will actually improve my life and I know it works.
and that same week, the ****** symptoms got so bad, I felt like my only option was to distract myself. after ******* crying for hours I just opened the steam deck and started playing whatever. because it seems like the only thing that works nowadays.
sigh... ****...
I hate that I can't even trust my own feelings half the time. like what the ****.. what's the point if you have to gauge whether our happiness is real or not.
like what do I need, man? anxiety meds? more melatonin? do I need to start exercising again? I'm doing what I can. every day is just ****** trying to survive. I'm so tired of this.
I'm tired of feeling hopeless and crying when no one is there to hold me and tell me everything is fine. I'm tired of feeling down every day, an endless malaise. I'm tired of just coping, trying to find fixes to hopefully get myself into a better position, and ultimately falling into the same spiral. I'm tired of this impasse, I just want to live a normal life and be happy. it's no wonder I felt like killing myself was the right thing to do, it feels like there's no way out sometimes.
I've been thinking about Terry Davis recently and he seemed so cool, like so in his own world, but also how hard it must have been to not trust your own mind. The dude built a whole operating system because God told him to.
do you think that maybe sometimes it feels better to stay this way? I just feel so lost right now. with the career stuff at first, then feeling behind in life. and of course the mental health problems. and now my supposed autism. everything just piling up. I was thinking about how Terry's parents gave him that ultimatum of either take his meds or get kicked out of the house. I guess for him it might have felt better to have these delusions from God than to take meds, because it gave him a sense of direction and purpose. even if he was schizo.
I remember reading that comic from Rumi Hara called Verti-go-go and kinda connecting with it. the guy who has vertigo suffers from very bad trips, often sexually induced but super intoxicating and trippy. it's so bad, it interferes with his work and his life, just walking down the street and sees titties and he's dizzy. at the end, he decides not to take his medication. he's just like, nah... I'm okay with these fkin fever trips when I see a single pair of breasts when I'm walking outside. I thought it was absurd before, but I might understand that now. it's his own world.
the things that Terry and the vertigo dude had in common were this... allure.. being enamored by and swept into their own little world. they chose to stay insane, abnormal. on their own volition. getting better wasn't a priority. the fact that they could lose their own little world they've lived in for so long, a place where no one else can possibly understand, hurts more than being mentally ill. and I think I get that.
this might have been what I was trying to say with my Alice Madness Returns piece the other month. I drew a falling Alice reaching for this floating knife suspended by blood. I was trying to say that even though the madness was the main thing she was trying to overcome, I had this tiny feeling that maybe the madness was all she had. I'm saying that in times of our worst mental health, it sometimes feels like succumbing to your symptoms is the best thing to do. it feels comfortable, and safe, and predictable. with depression, it sometimes feels better to beat yourself up because you already know what's going to happen- just more sadness. and you know you can handle it because you've been stuck there for so long.
So what about me? it's tempting, sure... to stay stuck. I don't have to do anything else in my life but survive. sounds so easy, like living like a homeless dude. sure life is stressful every day, but you can kinda get by because life is predictable at this point.
But for me, after a year of this I don't really want to be in this state for another year, honestly. my therapist asked me something along the lines of, what's keeping me from killing myself, to which I replied, my potential. I know I'm a creative individual and I know what I'm capable of. I've been fighting depression, anxiety, ******, ****, *********, ******* ***, **** *****, supposed ******, emotional **********, loss of * ***** of ****, **** of ***** of ***** and ********, loss of *******. loss of everything. for as long as I can remember. but I'm still here fighting because I need to see this through. I need to stay here living so I can see what I make in the future. I need to make an impact on other people's lives with my story. I absolutely need to break the cycle of generational ******, rather, start a new cycle; I want to meet a kind girl and have kids and be the best father I can be.
so yeah.. that's where I'm at right now. I always have to keep the big picture, every day. tunnel vision is just not an option when you're fucking cracked every day like me.
Idk if I'll ever post this online, idk what anyone can get out of this rambling of talking about my similarities with schizophrenic and homeless people lmao. but idk human will to live, staying true to yourself, believing in your potential. I haven't really "done anything" but I'm alive so I guess here's that.
It's just good to be king.