Pureum and Mine's Inner World.
this webtoon, "Seasons of Lovesome", is a sequel to "seasons of blossom" which I read years ago. the characters are all grown up and in college, with some new faces.
Pureum is one of the newcomers, and she instantly became my favorite. she's a ditz, awkward, jumps to conclusions, and kinda odd, but that's what makes her appealing to me. the other characters in the series don't stick out with as much apparent "depth" as she has. when she was first introduced, she was played out to be this weirdo who was watching Bomi Yun all the time. She made this whole narrative in her head that Bomi was cheating on her boyfriend with another guy, which turned out to be not the case at all. why would the author introduce her like that? because she's someone with faults, but it doesn't make her a bad person. she meant well, in stalking Bomi and the cheater guy, because she wanted to help Bomi. idk I'm tired
her backstory really opened her up for me, it's sad but you can see why she's the way she is now. apparently she was an art prodigy while very young, and her truly supportive mom put her in art school. though her mom got sick at the time, and while she neglected caring for her mom for a while, the pressure got too great and quit art for her mom. turns out the vibe at art school was pretty intense, too. I think it's hinted she has autism since she was little, from the words "having a larger word on the inside." looking back on all her shenanigans, you can see she's a product of her circumstances.
idk why I'm all about this fictional girl, maybe because her design is nice too, curly hair is my favorite. and something you don't see often in anime style. actually maybe because everything about her is not usually seen in any manga or manhwa. er, the ones that I've seen.
Maybe it's because I relate to her, too. loving art, to create my own world. I had to escape from reality all the time as a kid. art gave me that freedom. to do whatever I wanted.
I recall being a kid, before my brother was born. it was so lonely.
other kids in elementary school were nice, but I still wasn't really sure I "fit in." sure, I had some good pals, but I always felt like I was "different from them," or even too different from everyone in the class. I didn't say much of anything. people would always look my way whenever I said something, because it doesn't come often.
in 4th grade we had a class trip to Islandwood, a kinda nature camp getaway/field trip for a week. it was the most exciting time I've lived so far- just many nature walks, great food, learning, and new experiences happened during that time. anyway my 3 other roommates were having a late night chat as we laid in our bunks. it went quiet for a bit, until one of them, straight up, asked me, "hey Kyle, why don't you talk that much?" being me, I said, "because I don't know what to say." stillness ensued, I blankly stared at the bunk above me, until Anthony exclaimed he saw an owl out his window.
that moment will stick with me forever. it just shows the utter disconnect I have with people. I have just failed and failed to understand the ways people connect with me. I never beat myself up for it as a kid, because I just wasn't aware at all. but nowadays I will always wish I had said something more, because he was trying to connect with me, and I just left him hanging.
[[2021-03-08 what I was like as a kid]]
I made stop motion Legos, iMovie projects, drawings, comics, liked learning in school, Game boy, reading... never really connected with anyone.
That's why I like Pureum so much, because I relate with her. when I was small, I couldn't call the people I interacted with on a regular basis "friends." I had really great pals, but a friend? it's like my brain can't even comprehend a relationship like that.
For years I beat myself up for this. I felt like there was something inherently wrong with me, and now that I recognize it I should not try to fit myself in with people, because I am undeserving of it. now, it seems that I was lied to.. or, believed all the lies my mind told me..
sure, maybe there's something "wrong" with me, but that doesn't make me any less of a person than others. I have even compared myself to my uncle's kids, how they pick up on social cues so quickly. I heard they always grab fellow kids' hands and invite them to play at the playground. this one time we were eating breakfast together at a hotel restaurant, and the lady was bringing plates of food to our table so I made sure to make space for it by moving my cup and utensils. when she placed the last plate down, none were for me anyway. my little cousin said "womp womp," and apparently my uncle saw that too and laughed. I did not get why they were saying such things, but laughed anyway. a couple moments later I realized the kid was making fun of how I anticipated getting my food after clearing my place, only to not receive it, which deserved a "womp womp." bruh, it's those kinds of things where I wish I picked up faster in front of others. maybe then, I would seem more sociable or interesting to people. but I'm not. and that's okay. I guess, the people who find me interesting will find me interesting. I just have different ways of expressing myself.
which brings me to self expression.
Like Pureum, I feel like art was not only a form of self expression, it was like breathing. when the outside world became repulsive to me, I truly needed art to escape into my own world.
It's just that, along the way, I felt I was beat down so much, I stopped breathing. and, like Pureum, I forgot what breathing felt like, so I stopped altogether.
I now trust myself to remember how much it hurts to not breathe. my entire time in college was spent slaving away each homework, for the sciences, and I felt unfulfilled. I didn't feel creative anymore. I didn't know who I was anymore. no purpose, no drive, no commitment, no feelings, no happiness. the humanity sucked out of me.
I just express myself in a different way than others. while some people, like my little cousins, are drawn to connecting with people actively, I'm more on the analytical side. I love to extract the details from the moment and express them on canvas. or words. or legos. I rather take my time in expressing myself, since that's the only way I'll get a genuine answer out of myself.
autism or not. weird or not. if I didn't feel accepted from others as a kid, so be it. if theres one thing I know I'm good at, it's accepting myself. all my faults and positives, and the in betweens, as they are. and there's nothing you can do about it.