what my website means to me
01:15 today... idk we just stayed home. I worked on my website for a bit though, got some of the home page down. I'm really loving the look of my website so far. my goal is to make it as "me as possible", and I feel like I'm really meeting that. the animations, the interactivity, the playfulness and mysterious-Ness is all there. once I work out the colors, it will be solid.
I do fear that I might be adding a bit too much into it, but honestly, if I don't add everything I want into this thing, then it's not me. I love functional things. I envisioned a music player, one you can play music all throughout visiting every page in the site, from the start. I know I have this grand vision. I'm writing down sketches and notes and just going for it. thats my favorite way to make art. it's just having a go with the tools, experimenting and playing around to see what you like.
right now I'm working on finalizing a layout for the home page. home will have all my interests and things I like. and it links to other pages inside the home page. Hopefully I can go crazy on these pages, make some like 3d interactive models.
My games page I mostly finished recently. it features a player so you can click on any game listed there and just play it. it includes my scratch games. from middle school. I'd say it's good enough right now. I just wanted to get it working first.
My journal is just an embed of my bearblog.dev site. I'm really glad I took this route instead of the custom journal system I was planning on doing. it sucks that scripts on neocities just can't call an api for data.. but it makes sense. if that were the case, I would have gone crazy with adding too much stuff. but tbh, more limitations means creativity. and it's fun this way. anyway, I just put some reflections on my journal for now. still getting used to writing for an audience rather than just yourself.
// from me 2025-12-28: i'm just going through old journals and picking ones i want to share. you dont have to share everything in your life.
finally, my art page has some of the art I made. I thought about just linking my Cara page, but that's boring. I plan on making it look like an art gallery. I'll even have a zoom viewer to hover over and see the details of works. as for works themselves,I guess I'll share my favorite ones. then maybe I could bring back some of my archives, like the Lego stop motion videos. and of course my red bomb rush cyberfunk statue, maybe even scan it into 3d and make it display in the art page as 3d. but if I feel it needs 3d, then it'll be 3d.
damn I thought of a cool idea for the home page, some lantern graphics that display along the sides and kinda get into focus when you mouse over. that will give it some depth and coziness.
I was thinking the other day about how I have just done so many different mediums over the years. I've done lego stop motion as a kid, Legos are so fun. and photoshop and design, kinda, in high school. I loved perler beads and crochet too. of course I love painting and drawing. but I even do some electronics if I feel the need. and 3d modeling.
The corporations don't want someone good at everything, they want someone good at one thing.
Sometimes, no, I used to think all the time that I was just wasting my time going from hobby to hobby, medium to medium. I guess programming has been the only consistency in my life, but I feel it was less out of genuine interest in programming at first, and more about what was available to me at the time. code is on the computer, no one else sees it unless you show them, easy to hide from people and keep my little worlds all to myself. you know? game dev too.
But idk man... it's like breathing to me. if I don't see this website through, exactly the way I see it in my head, that hole in my heart is going to be left unfilled. that's how much it hurt not being able to engage with my soul creatively during college, all that time.
This is what I went to college for. to learn the tools I needed to express myself in the way I wanted. to work on software for a company sounds so boring (but of course if it's not too bad, pays well, and is maybe remote, ofc I would do that).
I know I bring up Pureum all the time but she just gives me a good basis on who I am. see this paragraph from her mbti page:
4w5, known as the Individualist, or the Romantic. They are typically described as creative, expressive, and self-aware — often searching for a sense of unique identity. At the core, Pureum Oh is driven by a Basic Fear of being without a unique identity or significance, and a Core Desire to find themselves and be recognized for their uniqueness. This motivational tension can be seen in how they approach both success and vulnerability — shaping the arc of their personal development.
like, is that not me? I'm just kinda surprised with how well it aligns to how I feel. I feel like I never really knew who I am as a person, so I always go searching for answers in whatever media I can find. it's also present in my actions, because everything I do is me seeking validation for my own existence. creating things or even reading things. always trying to find out if I'm valid or not.
Idk I'm sleepy now but I think I'll end it on yes I'm a person. I'm just slowly learning more about myself. this witty, crazy side that I want to be. someone who never takes things seriously but will if he can. I'm someone who would rather do without all the pretext and just say things outright because I'm socially inept and "autistic" 💀 but that doesn't make me special. I just see the world differently than others because of my upbringing and my experiences and the chemistry in my brain. I've been able to shape myself, show myself that I can be the person I want to be in small, tiny moments. the wondrous, going to the library, anything.
I'm Kyle.